Today..
I was informed that a student at my sister’s high school committed suicide. And for some reason, that I have not completely understood, it really affected me. Now, I never knew this young man. I have never met him a day in my life. However, when my sister told me, something in me immediately went sour. Tears welled up in my eyes quicker than they have in a long time. And there I was, crying. SOBBING. Completely distraught over someone that I wouldn’t have known from a can of paint.
It saddened me not only to hear that my sister was friends with him but also to hear that he had posted on the day of his death “Today is the day.” Something about hearing that really struck something inside of me. I think what hit me the most is that no one would think that a post that vague could mean something so tragic. He wrote that post because he knew that today was the day that he would put a gun to his head and end his life forever. Today was the day that his friends and family would never be with him again.. in human form.
What made it even worse for me, is that yesterday I was complaining to my boyfriend about a few things in my life that I was unhappy about. And when I think about it now, I feel foolish and selfish as hell because I was complaining about things that didnt mean anything. Things that only someone spoiled and ungrateful would complain about. And even though my boyfriend tried to explain to me how good I have it, I was too stubborn to actually listen and process and understand how correct he is.
Here I am complaining about wanting more money to buy shit that I don’t need. Complaining about not having a car to call mine even though my parents allow me to use one of our three cars almost whenever I please. Here I am complaining about absolutely nothing and there is someone out here whose life was so hard that they decided to KILL them self. Just thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like a real piece of shit.
I didn’t know this young man. But what I do know is that despite what everyone thought of him, he was a sad individual. Although he was smiling on the outside, on the inside he was in hell and desperately in need of someone to be there for him. I am crying now and I just can’t seem stop because all I can think about is how probably no one knew. And how bad is family and friends probably feel. I couldn’t freaking imagine.
I just pray to god/the creator or whatever spirit takes us when we lose our life that he finds happiness wherever he is. And although I did not know him, I know he deserves happiness. No one should ever have to face something like suicide.
Wherever his soul is now, I hope that he had finds the peace that he could not find here on earth.
Life is too fucking short. And you never realize it until something tragic.
RIP Devin Bodden.
